How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
