Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
