We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
