I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
