the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
