i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You were trust falling into bushes
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
