You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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