using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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