Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
