Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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