In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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