My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
