birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
