I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
