i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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