he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
