My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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