sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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