I'd wear matching sweaters with you
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
