Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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