Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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