My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
