grandma shit on top of the toilet
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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