I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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