Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
