If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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