Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Found your dick twin last night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
