She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
True strength comes from lack of pants
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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