after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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