when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
