The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
even my farts smell like vagina
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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