you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
