Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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