Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
