everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
True college students do jello shots in the library
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize