Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just made my gag reflex go away.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
