The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
