so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
