okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
she smelled like a LAN party
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
