You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Randomize
