youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
