I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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