Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
