Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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