im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
