Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
