This is not my ceiling
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
