hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
