I looked at my own cervix.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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