I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
