I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
