Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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