I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
