I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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